Oakley’s Popularity Lower than Rudd’s

18th May, 2010

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In what several club insiders have described as ‘one of the darkest days in Southern Power history’, club President, William Morris Oakley (pictured right) displayed his true colours to the thousands of fans on hand at Pittwater Park during Saturday’s clash against the Manly Wolves, by sporting a pair of custom fit, graphite infused, kevlar coated shin pads (seen in picture). Some have accused the self-appointed ‘People’s President’ of attempting to have the club’s senior team considered for selection in the Sutherland Shire’s C grade women’s hockey competition by wearing the defensive devices, whilst others simply think it’s a matter of ‘doing what mummy told me’ for the 6’7″ warrior.

A Galaxy opinion pole conducted following Saturday’s game found Oakley’s popularity had plunged from a recent high of 35% to a disastrous 15%, lower than Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s current rating. The results of the pole prompted embarrassed Club coach, Champ Closter and decorated Club Captain, Phillip Hamer to issue statements confirming the senior playing group’s position on the matter. “It’s certainly our most embarrassing situation for a long, long time. We owe our fans an apology for Bill’s actions today” said Champ Closter.

“As captain I’d like to apologise on behalf of the players to the fans, to the players in the past that have put this jersey on” a humiliated Hamer added. “Bill snaps and does silly things sometimes, but I’ve never seen something as ridiculous as this. As a playing group the boys are pretty shattered, but we’ll move on from this”.

I spoke exclusively with members of the Cronulla JAFC at training on Monday night and many were reduced to tears at the news that Oakley had donned the soccer pads. “He was my hero…I used to watch him every Tuesday night. Now that I know what he did, I feel like I’ve been watching my older sister the whole time” said young Jaydon Cripps. While another youngster said “He’s the biggest guy on the team…what’s up with that?”

The only other team mate to make comment since the scandal unfolded over the weekend has been Mitchell Bieber, younger brother of Justin, who said “Even though I regularly beat him in sprints at training I still had a reasonable amount of respect for him, but after Saturdays debacle that has long since vanished.”

When questioned over his decision to use the pads, Oakley claimed he had been ‘feeling the burn’ over recent weeks, and felt he had no other option. His position as ruck-man is now threatened by fellow Power tall-men, Ryan King-Thornburg and Ben Johnson, one of whom is speculated to be the owner of the pads and most likely suggested that Oakley give them a try. Both have however declared their loyalty to the part-time modelling student, rejecting suggestions of a challenge for the position.

Club ‘Junior’ Vice President Matthew Graham fronted the media earlier today to reassure the public that Oakley still has the full support of the Southern Power board as President, however there must be serious question marks over his future in this position, let alone at the club.

When asked for his opinion on Saturday’s events, Southern Power women’s team coach Gary Slowgrove’s only comment was “I have a spot for Bill next weekend if he’s available, however we have a team rule against wearing shin-guards. We don’t want to give our opposition the wrong impression.”

Despite ‘Shin-Gate’ as it has now become known, the Power were still able to put aside this major distraction to record a thumping 131 point win over the Wolves to remain on top of the table.

Danny Weidler, Nine News.

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